GareK's Garret

WhyQuit.com has some really great resources and I downloaded one of them today entitled 70 Quitting Tips. You can right-click and "Save As" if you'd like a copy of it for yourself. I found it fascinating reading, and as a result of reading it, I look at a few things quite differently than I did before.

For instance, I love the way the author never talks about "smoking cigarettes". Instead he uses "smoking nicotine". My brain's going "DING DING DING!" That's exactly right. The sickarette is nothing more than a delivery vehicle for nicotine/addiction.

Another thing I liked about the document was how it talked about a sickarette as being nothing more than....

Okay, I feel really bad, in a way, that I haven't taken the time to update my blog. But there's a good reason for it -- I've been so super duper busy this week I haven't had a chance! That's right, I'm beginning to get my brain back!

This is cause for celebration!

[cshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]
[sound of opening beer can]
[looking around cluelessly]
Whu?

Sorry - I digress. Got hooked into a Larry the Cable Guy routine. But seriously, I've gotten my motivation and my productivity back, plus about 72% of my brain capacity. Still suffering from CRS but that may be more age related than a Quit Symptom (quimtom?) So I really pushed myself today and got as much done as I could, just in case this isn't a gift that keeps on giving.

This week is "Weak Week" according to the Q. I've been having a marvelous time, personally. I stepped down to a lower level on the patch and that could be accountable for the increase in productivity. I may have been groggy from too high a dose the past 2 weeks. If less is more, I can't wait to step down again!

No major "D3" craves after stepping down, either. This makes me both happy and somewhat angry. All this time I've been so terrified to quit. All this time I've really really wanted to, but was afraid to try. If you're reading this and thinking you can't quit because you've smoked for 30 or more years -- don't listen to your inner addict. It's not as bad as you think. Really.

There was some talk today in forums about attitude playing a part in how easy or hard your Quit is on you. I think it's safe to say...

Unbelievable. I've made it two weeks... this marks the end of "Heck Week" as we call it on the Q. Surprisingly, throughout the weekend I've had more thoughts of smoking (moments, not craves) than I did at the beginning of the week. I should probably explain the terminology I've come up with so that doesn't sound to anybody as though I mean moments of weakness.

To me, a crave is a feeling that causes a person to want to smoke. A kid in college once described it as "the need to feel the smoke burning in my lungs" - and yes, he meant it. A crave causes feelings of panic and urgency and anxiety and fear and it can really seem like it's going to last forever.

A moment, however, is a short period of time in which I have a mental flash or memory or image of myself smoking or holding or grabbing a pack of sickarettes. It's not the same thing as a crave. It's like a snapshot. It really doesn't make me want one. I have an idea that a "moment" can preface a "crave", but maybe that only happens if you fight them.

Anyway, I've had a few craves in the last week, but many moments or brain flashes. I can deal with the brain flashes. I'm glad the craves are getting weaker and less frequent. I think it's because I'm being very firm with my self-talk and making it clear that I'm not giving in.

To reward myself for making it through Heck Week I bought myself a new pair of Isotoner slippers today. Kind of symbolic if you play with semantics at all. It's okay to wear slippers but it's not okay to be a slipper. That's humor - it's okay to laugh...

Today has been an interesting day. Took my Sweetie to the airport and began a long weekend "home alone". Not just any weekend -- tomorrow is the end of Heck Week for me and my New Years Quit Siblings on the Q. It's not as impressive as the folks who've quit for 6 months or a year or 2 or 3 or 5, but it's steady progress.

It also represents another major step in my recovery from this addiction. I step down tomorrow in terms of the strength of the patch. I'm both anxious and apprehensive about doing so. I remember my day three crave and how it was so strong and frightening. I really would prefer not to have to deal with another episode of that. But, in the grand scheme of things, I'd rather deal with a D3 crave than a cancer diagnosis.

Besides, I'm usually the one who welcomes craves and "moments" as I'm fond of calling them. Gives me another opportunity to flex my non-smoker muscles and be stern with my inner addict. It's true that the more you firmly tell that junkie "We don't do that anymore..." the less the junkie fights back. But, as I said, today's been interesting.

I've been having several craves in a row, which shouldn't surprise me. I've read enough people's posts in the forum to know that this will continue. I think what surprised me most is that my inner addict could still be so convincing. Okay, maybe I said that wrong. Let me restate...

I was thinking early today of my daughter. She went into the Army when she was much, much younger in order to take advantage of the GI Bill and get an education. But first... she had to get through boot camp.

She's a highly intelligent person, but at that point in her life, she'd never really challenged herself. So when she showed up at boot camp and faced her first real challenge, it was very difficult for her. Now, all the time she was going through that, pretty much all I heard from her was positive stuff. Oh, she'd tell me she had a difficult time with this part of training, or that part of PT, whatever. But for the most part, all her news was good news.

When she graduated from AIT I took the train out to be with her...

What a wonderful weekend. Friday's rehearsal was great, the wedding went of without a hitch and the reception was absoultely terrific. It's official. There's no doubt about it, if there ever had been. You can have fun and be smoke free at the same time.

I had a couple of shots of Bailey's Irish Creme at the reception, and of course each of us had a glass of (really excellent) champaigne for toasting the newlyweds. I was leery of doing that because I know how easily alcohol and cigarettes can go together. But, even with keeping a tight check on myself, I learned that alcohol and NO cigarettes can also go well together.

Having said that, I'd also ask that you keep in mind, I'm not a person who enjoys being drunk. At all. I don't like being out of control, which is another reason why this Quit may be something I find less difficult than others. The one and only time I've ever fainted, I had my eyes open the whole time. I just don't like anything having control over me.

So, while I know I'm not going to drink to the point that I'm not in control, I will also stipulate that I like getting the slightest buzz from a drink or two, and that buzz can often be a trigger for a sickarette. Thankfully, it didn't happen that way to me.

My quit buddy Vonnegut and I both seem to be having an easier time of things than some of the others on the Q. I'm thinking maybe V and I both have the best life partners in the world, and our attitudes are also very powerful and good. I'm so thankful to my Sweetheart. There's just nothing that compares to knowing your partner firmly and without question is there for you, has your back, and supports you 100% of the way.

Last night we went to our favorite little Italian restaurant we always

It's just after midnight here on the West Coast, which means that technically it's my Day 7. But I'm keeping a close guard on myself, not getting overly anxious or celebrating milestones before I feel it's right. So I'm considering this post "Six and a Half".

Tonight we went out on our first social engagement since I quit, and it was such a good time. Friends of ours are getting married and we were asked to be a part of the ceremony. Tonight was the rehearsal and tomorrow is the "real deal". Good kids, good relationship, and a good feeling overall about their union. I sincerely hope they're as happy together and work as well together as my love and I.

Other than the married couple, we really only knew two others in the wedding party. The new friends we met, however, seem just delightful and I'm so very proud they thought enough of us to ask us to be a part of their special day. We went through the rehearsal, then gathered together at a great pan-asian restaurant for the most magnificent meal you can imagine. The food just coming and coming and coming... wow!

I was on my guard for most of the night, but I wasn't tense. I've noticed something about myself, though, when I do encounter a crave. No kidding, the first thing that happens is that I get this goofy grin on my face, kind of like a soldier meeting his foe and saying "Just try..." The second thing that happens is that I tend to hold my breath. But I don't just hold it in, I actually push down with my diaphram, as if I'm physically wrestling and trying to hold my opponent down. Weird.

I learned that in the truck. Being in a vehicle (driver or not) is always a trigger for me. But holding your breath during a crave isn't a good thing. Breathing deep is the thing that helps best, especially if you can't do any of your other trigger actions (like writing or peeling an orange and gobbling it up). Must remember to watch that and make sure I breathe through those craves.

I continue to find that the craves I do get are weaker and weaker, and last shorter periods of time. Yes, I still think about having a smoke but it seems a different quality. Days 1 - 3 my mental image was of me actually dragging on a sick-arette. Now, at the end of Hell Week, if I catch myself thinking of going out for a smoke, I only catch a mental glimpse of one in my hand - not in my mouth. I'll take progress as it comes.

At no point in this do I ever want to seem arrogant or overly confident. That way leads to complacency. But I must say, this has been much less stressful than I thought it would be. No, it isn't easy. Yes, you have to keep your arsenal at hand at all times. Craves still happen and I believe it when I hear others say just one puff will lead back to full time smoking.

I have no illusions that I will ever be un-addicted. I've prepped and prepped and prepped for this, and I honestly think that is what's making such a huge difference for me. I believe so strongly in the value of positive self-talk. In the case of my prep work, self-talk that was positive was expressed as a negative toward smoking. And because I always forced myself to do nothing but smoke when I had a sickarette, I would run that self-talk through my head, something like this...

Well, in terms of actually getting things done at work and being productive this has been the worst week I can remember. But in terms of my committment to my decision to quit smoking, it's been the best week of my life. Note I said "best", not "easiest".

I've found the neatest place called QuitNet, and I gotta tell you, it has helped a lot in getting over the cravings, and in banding together with people who share the same goals as me. We are all determined to make this our "forever quit" and take each day as it comes and remain smoke-free.

My concentration is absolutely shot, and my memory has turned to cheese. Swiss cheese, I might add. I can't remember from one moment to the next what it is I was so intent upon doing, which is probably where the productivity begins to slide. But you know what - if it costs me one week of production to get my life back and stop addiction from controlling me, that's okay by me.

Here are some interesting facts about what goes into cigarettes, and why I'm so delighted to be smoke free. This is directly from a post from a wonderful Quitster on QN who wrote this to help us all remain committed...

It's really difficult to believe that I'm on my fifth day already. And yet, each day seems to go by so slowly. No, let me revise that statement. Each evening seems to go by so slowly. The days are somewhat the same, since I didn't really have cigarettes throughout the work day anyway.

Last night I noticed the back of my throat seemed to feel a little raw. I think it's because I've been coughing up some junk and getting it out of my system. I don't feel like I'm getting a cold, just eliminating phlegm out of my lungs. Oh, and that reminds me -- I stumbled across an article the other day and thought I should make note of it somewhere.

Apparently, there are studies that have been conducted which suggest, if the numbers are being interpreted correctly, that if you have ever smoked, you should never ever under any circumstances take vitamins or any other products (other than natural, live, whole foods) that contain beta carotene. Click Here to read the article.

My feeling is that the article may be a bit misleading. Of course, I haven't looked at the study itself, however I know that numbers can be made to appear to support various skewed statistics. I'd like to see the bell curve on some of these results. And, don't forget, there's a difference in how vitamin manufacturers can make Vitamin A, which is usually what they use beta carotene to supply. If they use beta carotene to make Vitamin A it is referred to as "Provitamin A".

However, Vitamin A is found naturally in some animal fats, and it was there that it was originally discovered. In this form, it is either called retinol or "Preformed Vitamin A". To my way of thinking, taking provitamin A is a mistake because of the way it's made. They've taken one of several caratenoids to create it - they use beta carotenes and leave out the alpha and gamma carotene that, I think, the body may need in order to use the beta carotene correctly.

In preformed vitamin A, however, it's a whole substance. Man hasn't broken it down and said "We'll just use this part." But that just reflects my philosophy on what food is all about, anyway. The Native Americans have it right. Gather your food in a good way, and eat only live, whole foods. You are what you eat.

Got a little off topic there, but I count that as a good thing. The less I think about smoking, the less I suffer cravings. Which brought me to the realization that...

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Talked with a friend who quit after smoking 3 and a half to 4 packs a day. He said Day Three cravings are "killer", and to survive those without giving in is to have become physically un-addicted. Really? WOW!

Dare I hope?

Today certainly has been much easier. I knock on wood as I write this because, quite frankly, I'm still somewhat shaken by the cravings I had yesterday. You know, the material I've read has never suggested anything about day three being the challenge. Wonder why nobody has ever documented that. My friend said, thankfully, he'd been warned beforehand and had a plan of surviving his.

If you plan on quitting - make a Day Three Survival Plan!

Now the mental and psychological addiction is the hurdle, or at least if that really was my physical addiction's last gasp. I've caught myself thinking several times today that I can't wait to get home for a smoke. Not happenin', but it's kind of funny that I'm catching myself thinking these things when I never realized I did before.

Things I'm noticing already...

Yesterday afternoon really hit me hard. I've been very proud of myself for making it through what I thought were normal cravings, but maybe mine have been light cravings and not normal at all. Maybe what I went through yesterday was the real craving, what is normal for most people who quit. It's no wonder, if it's true, that people say quitting smoking is more difficult than beating a heroin addiction.

The remainder of the day yesterday, and all evening, I was a wary person. I was on my guard every second, which really isn't good. I think most of the "easy" for me is that I'm used to putting my mind to something else - not concentrating on cigarettes or smoking. After that 9.5 craving hit me yesterday, though, I couldn't think of anything else.

But I will tell you one thing, just in case you think I make things easy on myself. I rarely do things the easy way. The booklet tells the reader that, on your quit day, you should throw away all ashtrays, lighters and any remaining cigarettes you've got on hand. This is to help the quitter get past temptations. Well, I threw away my lighters and ashtrays. But right now, I have half a pack of cigarettes in the freezer. They've been there since the moment I quit.

Why? Well, think about it. If I go through these cravings and I don't smoke just because I don't have cigarettes, then how do I know I can handle the temptations later? For me, I want to know I'm strong enough to quit - not that I'm strong enough to handle it if my cigarettes are taken away from me and I don't have any way to go get more.

So, even though I'm still a bit wary, I'm very happy with myself. I can't express how close I came to getting up and grabbing those cigarettes. There are no words to explain what it feels like, those mega-cravings. But I can tell you I held out through one of them, and that this gives me a little extra confidence that I can do it again, if I have to.

Welcome Day Four. Please be kind to me...

Hooo boy -- major craving hit. I almost decided to go out for a pack. It was that strong. This is the first really really bad craving I've had all day. That one craving was as bad as all of the cravings from Day 1 and Day 2 combined. It's the first time I've really been tempted to go bum or buy cigarettes since New Year's Eve.

It's slowly passing now. Maybe this is my body's final attempt at feeding its addiction. I sure hope so. That one was enough to scare me into thinking maybe I"m not strong enough to do this.

Trying to stay strong...

There's really only one drawback to writing as a "trigger action" - I have to be at my computer to do it. But I'm here now, battling a fairly strong craving in the early morning hours as I have a cup of coffee. Thankfully, I was prepared for this.

The method I decided to use to quit is a series of ideas and thoughts I had several months ago, when I was coming to realize how very little I was actually enjoying cigarettes. As mentioned yesterday, I started with a "smoker's journal" that I kept fairly faithfully. What I accomplished with that was, for the most part, just increasing my awareness of what I was doing and why. Most of the time, I think smokers reach for another cigarette without being truly aware that they are.

In the course of keeping my smoker's journal I learned that my smoking followed a pattern, whether I was aware of it or not. I also learned some of the things that tend to make me want to smoke more. The term used in my booklet (I'll introduce the booklet later) is "triggers". The things that make me want a cigarette are my triggers. The way a person handles it when they stumble on a trigger is called a "trigger action"... in other words, what you do instead of smoking when encountering a trigger.

By the time I'd kept my journal for several weeks, I knew enough about my addiction to know it wasn't going to be permanent. I decided this for a couple of reasons. I'd recently lost two people, one a friend and one a family member, to cancer. The family member was so addicted to smoking that, if she didn't have a cigarette every 20 minutes, she'd become uncontrollably angry and distraut.

Of course, her children didn't understand. A couple of weeks after her funeral, I took her son on an outing. We stopped for lunch at an outside cafe, and I lit up a cigarette. Alex went on skipping about and playing in the parklike setting. When I was done with my smoke, Alex came and sat on my lap. He told me that he could still smell the cigarette.

I asked him if it bothered him and he nodded his head yes, somewhat shyly. I told him if it bothered him, I just wouldn't smoke for the rest of the time we were together, and he wouldn't have to worry about it. That made him cry, which really confused me. When I asked him what was wrong, he said "Are you going to yell and scream?"

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Actually today isn't the beginning. Today is Day 2 of my effort to become smoke free. Even that statement, however, isn't as accurate as it could be. I've been planning for 2 months to quit, and preparing myself mentally for the road ahead. I should mention that I really don't anticipate anybody will be reading this blog. I've made the category "public" just in case it might be, though. I may not be the "typical" quitter (as a matter of fact, I'm quite sure I'm not), but if somebody reads this and it helps them move forward in their own decision to quit, I'm all for that.

Some history? Sure.

As mentioned before, I don't think of myself as a typical "quitter". I've smoked for thirty years, off and on, but never became what I consider a heavy smoker. I think the most I ever got up to was a pack a day. The part of my smoking habit that was unique, though, wasn't in quantity so much as in my own handling of my addiction.

I've been a closet smoker most of the time. Very few people knew, certainly not the church people with whom I worked. This meant 9 hours at a time during week days in which I didn't smoke - 8 hours at work and a half hour each way traveling to work. It wasn't so much that I was ashamed that I smoked, but rather that it was professional suicide if people found out. So I did everything I could to ensure that they didn't find out.

Before you criticize, consider that there were a couple of positives to this hidden habit. The first, and perhaps most important, was the fact that it enabled me to have at least some control over the addiction. The second, of course, is that it kept me from smoking as much as I probably would have, had I not been a "closet smoker".