GareK's Garret

Ahhhh... Friday at last. I say that like I've got it so rough. I have a "job" that is really a contract position 27 hours a week. I don't go in on Mondays and, usually by Friday I've got so many hours in already that I get to be done by 2 or so. That's the case today. And I'm so glad!

This is a long weekend for the rest of the country as we celebrate the sacrifices our warriors have made to ensure that we live free. My Quit-Self's namesake (Garrick) is a Marine and I have a double thanks going out to him this weekend. I chose his name (changed the spelling but the name is still his) so I'd have a tough warrior spirit to aid me in my Quit and that's paid off in spades.

This weekend we're taking some of the money I'm earning and some of the money I've saved from not smoking and getting ourselves a new living room set. I'm so relieved! The sectional we have now is about to break our backs. It's gotten to the point that BL doesn't even sit on the furniture anymore. He sits on the floor and it is really beginning to bother his hips. Can't have that! *wicked grin*

Needless to say, I've been waiting for this weekend with baited breath! I really am excited. I'm happy that I never have to worry about dropping a hot ash on my new furniture, or worry that it'll smell like sickarettes. Happy that not buying smokes is going to "pay off" with a tangible reward for both of us, as my BL has certainly endured through this with me and should have something besides a longer life with me to show for it!

And we both work really hard - we do deserve some creature comforts when we get home. I want something that reclines. Not sure if I care whether or not it's the sofa or loveseat or just a chair, but I want something that reclines. I miss my "motion furniture" that I had before I moved out here. A recliner at each end of the sofa -- shweet!

Anyway - I also have another client to finish up with over the weekend, a night of pyro work to do, and undoubtedly we'll have a barbecue or something with friends. Busy weekend, and if I don't update my blog, don't nobody worry. Just means I'm out having some fun.

You have some, too!

...and as Pollyanna as I felt such a short while ago, today I am anything but a positive, forward thinking person. Some days things still feel overwhelming to me, and today happened to be one of those days.

I used the QuitNet Vent Tent but a gentleman with thousands of days under his belt seems to think it is mostly a bad thing to vent there. I did mention in my post that it would be appreciated if judgementalism could be left behind, but I got a short retort. I don't have any desire to fight with somebody over whether or not one should use the Vent Tent to vent. He's welcome to his opinion.

Thus I am left with a dire need to vent.

I don't need to defend my need to vent. This is my blog and I'll vent if I feel it will (or might) have a positive value for me. Today is such a day.

Usually I get frustrated because of things I've done, not because of the stupidity or thoughtlessness of others. Today is no exception. I was asked for information by a person who, in my opinion, was entitled to an answer. Another person, a dear friend, has drawn my attention to the fact that my giving this person the answer I did has put my dear friend in a bad spot.

I didn't mean to.

I can see why he said I did. I can try to explain to him that his logic is based on false assumptions, but ultimately it won't matter. This person is a friend - a brother in my heart, actually - and I don't want him to be upset, with me or with my action. I sincerely believe that what I did is and will be of no real negative consequence to my friend. But I doubt he'll see it that way. Ever.

In addition, I took a job (as a "contractor" as opposed to as an "employee") as a "Lead Web Master" and for this entire week all I've been allowed to work on is print graphics. I end the day feeling very frustrated because I'm just not a print graphics artist. It takes people a long time to develop those skills. I developed my web graphics and web mastering and web development skills rather than print graphics.

So I feel stupid. Every night.

Yes indeedy, it's been a day. And there really isn't anything that makes it all better, other than just spewing it out here. My best friend and Sister of the Soul says that journaling is like taking out the garbage. I tend to believe everything she says, but in this case I've given it considerable thought and can find absolutely no flaw in her logic whatsoever.

Now why would somebody think that's a bad thing?

Today, I'm told, is my Happy Gross Day! A gross is a dozen dozen, or 144. LOL! I actually think that's very clever. So today I celebrate Gross Day. I'd mark it on my calendar to celebrate it each year, but there's only one time it can truly be Gross Day, and that's right here, right now.

And, when you think about it, that's a really good lesson for us all. It's easy to get caught up in rituals, in looking forward to specific days as holidays or remembrance days. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but there's also a great deal to be said for living in the moment. Today, this day, cannot be repeated. Who was it that said each minute is a coin that can be spent but once? Whoever it was, they're right.

This day, regardless of all else that goes on, I am healthy. I feel good. My lungs are healing each minute of this day because I have chosen not to fill them with toxic fumes and poisonous gasses. Today I have people around me who genuinely care about me, and after the beginning I had... I know the value of that. Today, my kids and grand-kids are happy people who, though they face challenges, are blessed with enough.

This moment I have the joy of knowing there are things for which I must work. I have no doubt that I'd wither up and become useless if I had nothing to which I aspired. So today, I have goals and the good sense to appreciate them. I also have a moderately capable and resourceful spirit and mind, and the foolish belief that one day I'll achieve my dreams.

Right this minute, I see, I hear, I feel, I catch the scent of spring on the breeze, I sing. True it may be that some of what I feel is the aches of age, some of what I see includes wrinkles where once I had none, some of what I hear is less than harmonious. But the point is - I can. And if I so choose, I can work to change the things I feel could be improved.

So for right now -- I take time out for thankfulness. I could probably come up with about eleventy billion things to complain about, but I feel better counting the joys I have.

I am alive -|- I am smoke free -|- I am free

Now... having said all that....

In about an hour, we're going to get in the truck and head south through the San Diego traffic. I reserve the right to retract everything I just wrote and go postal.

:-)

Every time I write or say that, it blows me away. "D132". Once I got through the really bad craving period, it seems like somebody hit the Fast Forward button on life. Cuz it's just really flying by right now.

Of course, part of that has to do with the new job. In a sense, I'm still freelancing because I'm still working on a contract basis. But it's so nice not to have to go client shopping once a week. :-) I hope to be with this company for a very long time. My first day, Bossman handed me seven pages of domain names. Those are all the sites I'll be developing over the next few months.

Yes, I'm sure I mean "next few months" and not "next year or two". Just this week I put up five websites. Most are totally complete, and most are very small, 2 page mini-sites that I can get through production in a day or two. Still, it's work. True, I don't get the creative outlet of a full fledged design stage for each one. But... I don't have to go client shopping once a week. :-)

I've had to battle some smoking thoughts these past few weeks. My big "smoking times" in my past life were centered around the rush to work and the trip back home. On the way to work, I'd suck down as many as possible as fast as possible. I never smoked during the work day (had the odd belief that nobody ever knew I was a smoker) so getting ready for work meant getting a day's worth of nicotine in 45 minutes.

Driving home, I chain smoked simply from a place of desparation. It's that old routine all over again - if you know there's a fix for your addiction then you can't get to it fast enough. I was so very tough on myself, to put myself through that constant state of withdrawal for so many years.

Thankfully, I'm far enough into my Quit to know that these smoking thoughts are just residual memories of a routine I've given up. I genuinely believe I've broken the addiction, even though I feel I'm still an ex smoker working toward graduating to being a non-smoker.

I believe the biggest tool I've had in my arsenal from day one was knowledge - what I learned as I began educating myself...

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