The last couple of days have been very rough. The raw emotional upheavals between my BL and I have left me feeling very vulnerable and weak, and of course that is when the Inner Addict knows there's at least a shot at getting fed again. I sat on the couch and cried most of the day yesterday, just because I'm so tired of fighting it all.
Then today somebody comes into the forums on the Q and shares his diagnoses of small cell lung cancer which, of course, is the fast-moving, hard-to-cure kind. He's a young dad - still had two daughters in high school. Can't imagine his pain, or the pain his family is facing. He left a link in his post to a support group for people diagnosed with lung cancer, trying to help people weak in their resolve to keep their Quit.
I followed the link.
There's a whole forum dedicated as an "obituary" where you can post a death announcement when one of the members crosses over. So of course I sat there reading them all - tears streaming down my face - missing my Mom so bad I can't even think.
Cancer is so evil. It takes moms away from their babies and leaves those little ones in the hands of foster families who only want them for the income. It tears families apart and makes kids grow up skewed in attitudes and negative resignation and following unhealthy emotional patterns.
If you've ever wondered what would happen if you got cancer and had to leave your kids behind - just drop me a line. I'll be happy to spell it out for you.
I'm so heart-sore today. My emotions are as raw and ragged as they've ever been. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I prefer laughter and joyous celebration of what we have, rather than looking back at what we may have missed or what we won't be able to have in the future.
Why doesn't my BL seem to be able to understand what his self-abuse does to me?