I had the worst dream the night before last. It was a "smoking dream" and so real I could feel the sickarette's filter between my lips. I could feel how warm the filter got when I sucked the smoke into my mouth. I felt the burn as the smoke entered my lungs. I even felt the smoke get in my left eye and burn and make it water.
It was so damned real.
And in my dream, I was aware that I was killing my beautiful Quit. In my dream, it didn't seem to matter to me. I felt myself thinking, "Oh well. Six months down the tubes..." Just like that. Just let it go that easy. A part of me was standing outside of it all, like an observer, and thinking "How can somebody who worked that hard to Quit just let go like that?"
I woke up in tears. This was my 3rd smoking dream and I always seem to wake up in tears. I prayed for forgiveness for not caring in my dream that I was sacrificing my Quit. I prayed for wisdom to understand what it is in my life that is triggering these thoughts again.
There is a source of stress - a big one. I spoke with my BL about it. And my brothers. All the men in my life agree -- that is one stressful situation I don't have to endure. There are better ways to achieve my goals than to continue to put up with that kind of situation. So I'm not going back into that situation anymore.
Maybe that isn't the best way to handle things, but this is my life and my Quit (which are inextricably related) and I'm not going to let anything ruin my health. While I didn't mention it, this nightmare happened after a horrible bout of insomnia. I couldn't sleep through the terrible headaches, intestinal problems, and feeling as though I'm going to puke. To top it off, I've been afraid to get too far from the bathroom because it's all coming out the other end (because I refuse to puke).
So, while I may have issues... this is a serious enough situation to call for immediate action. I actually got to sleep last night and I do feel better today. But I'm not up to fighting with the person involved, or debunking the lies he tells. I just don't need this.
Oh! On a happy note, annlclemons has 7 months today... boy am I proud of her!